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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22379509">allowed to be not okay</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaoticgeeky/pseuds/chaoticgeeky'>chaoticgeeky</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Critical Role (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Chronic Pain, Disabled Essek Thelyss, Found Family, Gen, essek has chronic pain and I Will Die On That Hill Thanks</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-01-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-01-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 15:41:36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,766</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22379509</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaoticgeeky/pseuds/chaoticgeeky</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Essek has chronic pain. He's used to it. He's not used to people helping him through it.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>The Mighty Nein &amp; Essek Thelyss</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>358</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>allowed to be not okay</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>full disclosure I don't and have never suffered from chronic pain so I don't pretend to know what sort of challenges are faced each day by those that do! all I know has been picked up via osmosis from friends that do suffer from it or things I've read in other fics/books. if anything is grossly incorrect, let me know, otherwise we can chalk it up to fantasy chronic pain being a little different from real-world chronic pain.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It’s been a bad pain day.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s not something Essek’s unused to, by any stretch of the imagination. Most days are just… days. The pain is there, but it’s manageable. Sometimes he has good days- the blessed days where he wakes up and his joints don’t ache (at least not as much).</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But there are the bad days. And today is one of them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But there’s not much he can do. He can take the pressure off his feet and ankles by floating around the way he always does- it was one of the first things he taught himself to do purely for that reason. Funny how most of the dens view it as just “his thing.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And none of them really know how he feels. Oh, he’s told them that he has chronic pain, of course, but they don’t entirely understand.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>No days off for the Shadowhand. He’s just got too much important business.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So he packs the pain down into that little box somewhere in his mind and goes about his day. He takes care not to wince or grimace when he sits down in the Bright Queen’s throne room and looks forward to going home after the day is over.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But he’s not going home today, he remembers as he leaves the Lucid Bastion. He’s having dinner with the Nein. As much as he enjoys it… maybe he could cancel. Or at least postpone for a better day.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s been a while since he’s seen them, though. They’ve been gone for another stretch of a couple weeks. Jester’s voice popped up in his head yesterday, informing him cheerily that the group would be back tomorrow and would he like to come over for dinner?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She’d be disappointed if he had to postpone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He’d</span>
  </em>
  <span> be disappointed. He misses them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Is that the right sentiment? Yes. Yes, it is. Essek misses the Nein.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He has a different sort of relationship with them than he does with his den members; with the other members of the Dynasty. He can be… more casual around them. He doesn’t have to be the Shadowhand.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He can just be Essek.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His musings have occupied his mind enough that he almost drifts past their house- the Xhorhaus, as they call it. He looks up at the tree on the roof with the myriad of lights decorating it. Their own little beacon.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He takes a deep breath. Maybe he can persuade them to start up that peculiar little pool again; he hadn’t expected it to feel so nice on his feet and ankles last time. He’s used heat before to try and alleviate some of the pain, but a soak in hot water is just another level entirely.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He knocks on the door, and it’s only a couple seconds before he hears the rapid thuds of booted feet drawing close and the door flies open (wind chime clinking) to reveal Jester grinning at him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hi Essek!” she says in that oh-so-familiar bubbly voice. “Come on in; Caduceus is just getting started on dinner so you’re right on time!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Essek bows his head slightly in thanks and follows her in, settling as gently as he can on the foyer’s carpet. He unfastens his heavy mantle and hangs it on one of the coat hooks with a wince that Jester thankfully misses, having already turned away to bounce down the hallway. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Essek follows her into the sitting room where the majority of the group are already sprawled across the various sofas and chairs. There’s a discordant combination of greetings called when Essek enters the room and he gives everyone a smile, taking an open spot on the end of the nearby couch, next to Caleb. Frumpkin, currently lounging on Caleb’s lap, stands up and stretches before wandering down the couch to settle on Essek’s lap instead. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Really, Caleb, you don’t have to ask him to sit just to make me feel welcome,” Essek says, teasing just a bit.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Caleb shrugs, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. “I didn’t,” he says. “That was all him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Essek looks down at the cat now making biscuits in his lap, kneading at his legs. It’s pleasant on the sore muscles in his thighs, and he wonders if Frumpkin knows. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The Nein tell him about their latest escapade (did they steal something? He’s not really sure. If it doesn’t affect the Dynasty, he’s not going to worry about it.) and Essek tells them about the latest news from within the palace (the things he’s at liberty to say, anyway). He’s almost ale to forget about the aches and pains as he relaxes into the couch and settles into the conversation. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Soon, the smells of a vegetable stew are drifting out from the kitchen and Caduceus calls that everything’s just about ready. Everyone gets up and begins to meander over towards the dining room as Essek gently shoos Frumpkin from his lap and pushes himself up off the couch, unable to quite muffle the “</span>
  <em>
    <span>ah</span>
  </em>
  <span>-” as he does. Caleb glances back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you all right, Essek?” he asks quietly. His face suggests he already knows the answer.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I- I have had better days,” Essek says with a dismissive chuckle and wave of a long-fingered hand. “Please, don’t concern yourself with it. It’s nothing I haven’t dealt with before.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Caleb presses his lips together but doesn’t push the issue, continuing into the dining room.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A few times during the meal, Essek spots Caleb’s hands shifting under the table and someone’s head will turn toward him, just for a few moments, before turning back and resuming whatever conversation they were having.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After it happens to Caduceus, the firbolg’s pink gaze shifts to Essek briefly before returning to the stew in his own bowl, but Essek can tell that Caduceus is thinking hard about something.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As everyone finishes eating, they begin bringing their plates to the kitchen. Essek is about to do the same when a green hand scoops it up from in front of him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Let me grab that for you,” Fjord says. “You’re our guest, we won’t make you do the housework.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Essek watches him go, then opts to levitate himself out of the chair before setting his feet back on the floor. “I was wondering,” he says slowly, “if I might… ah… request we adjourn to the, er… hot tub, for a bit?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was just going to suggest that!” Jester claps her hands once, as if to settle a matter. “I already got it started just in case we wanted to!” She darts off, probably to change into something more appropriate for the water. Everyone else follows at a more normal pace, except Caduceus.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can I try something?” he asks, studying Essek.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Essek eyes him a bit warily. “That depends on what the ‘something’ is,” he says cautiously.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Caduceus laughs. “Nothing weird, I promise. But I was just wondering if healing spells help at all with the aches and pains. One of my sisters had a similar thing and if she was having a real bad day it helped her out a lot to just have a quick Cure Wounds done, just to help her through the worst of it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Essek is taken slightly aback. “I… I don’t really know, actually. I’ve never tried. I’ve never asked- it seemed like a waste to have someone use a spell for something that may not even work. I certainly wouldn’t ask someone in the Dynasty to do something like that; they don’t really understand the… range of my discomfort, anyways.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Caduceus smiles gently. “It’s not a waste if it helps you, even temporarily,” he says. “Anyway, I offered. I’ve got plenty of spells left today; what else would I use them for?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Essek considers it for a moment before acquiescing. “I- I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to try.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Caduceus beams. “That’s the spirit.” He studies Essek for a beat. “Can I touch your back?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Essek turns around in response and feels Caduceus’ wide, warm hand settle across his shoulder blades. He can see a soft green glow out of the corner of his eye and the warmth spreads across his shoulders, down his arms and all the way into his fingertips. It flows into his legs, into his feet, and Essek feels his entire body relax for the first time today. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So much so that his knees buckle slightly and he staggers backward slightly, Caduceus catching him gently.</span>
  <span></span><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whoa, easy there,” the firbolg chuckles. “How does that feel?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It… much better, thank you,” Essek says. Bad Day Pain is usually up at an eight, sometimes a nine, and now it’s down to a two- what he usually has on a good day. It won’t be permanent, he’s sure, but hopefully it’ll get him through to a better day.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s good,” Caduceus says, and he means it. “Want to head up to the hot tub? I’m sure the others are settled in already.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Essek nods and follows Caduceus up the stairs to the first floor of the tower. The modifications that they’ve made to the house are strange, but he wouldn’t expect anything less. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you think I could borrow something, ah… that I could wear if I wanted to get more than my feet wet?” Essek asks.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, I’m sure Caleb or Fjord has an extra undershirt they could lend you,” Caduceus says. “I’d lend you one of mine but it might be kind of big.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sure enough, once the question is posed, Caleb offers up a long, thin tunic that must normally go under clothes. Essek changes quickly and settles into the hot water with a sigh. He tips his head back onto the edge of the stone bath and closes his eyes, letting the conversations around him wash over him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After a few minutes, the water shifts nearby and he opens his eyes to find Caleb sitting next to him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you,” Essek murmurs quietly. “I am... not used to asking for help.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Neither was I,” Caleb says. “But I have learned many things with this ragtag group and one of those things is that you are allowed to be not okay when you are with friends. You can show… weakness, for lack of a better word, because your friends will lift you up in those times.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I haven’t had friends who will do that for some time,” Essek muses. “It feels good to call you that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rest assured the feeling is mutual,” Caleb says.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Essek glances around the hot tub at the rest of the Nein; talking, laughing, splashing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s a good place to be.</span>
</p>
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